


First of All

by TheSkyrimLife



Category: Beauty and the Beast (2017)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, F/M, Fluff and Humor, Group chat, a ton of Hamilton references, chat fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-16
Updated: 2019-03-16
Packaged: 2019-10-29 19:20:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,015
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17813978
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheSkyrimLife/pseuds/TheSkyrimLife
Summary: [Self-Proclaimed Asshole has added Human Book, Fancy Dipshit, Somehow in College, Gaston’s Nice Friend, Piano Man, Singin Big, and Fancy Girlfriend to the chat.]Fancy Girlfriend: first of allFancy Girlfriend: what the fuckFancy Girlfriend: and second of allFancy Girlfriend: w h y  t h e  f u c kBasically, the group chat that came to be because of a dumb idea. Completed.





	1. In Which People Are Confusion, and It Isn't About Kansas and Arkansas

**_Self-Proclaimed Asshole_ ** **has added** **_Human Book_ ** **,** **_Fancy Dipshit_ ** **,** **_Somehow in College_ ** **,** **_Gaston’s Nice Friend_ ** **,** **_Piano Man_ ** **,** **_Singin Big_ ** **, and** **_Fancy Girlfriend_ ** **to the chat.**

**Fancy Girlfriend:**  first of all

 **Fancy Girlfriend:**  what the fuck

 **Fancy Girlfriend:**  and second of all

 **Fancy Girlfriend:**  w h y  t h e  f u c k

 **Self-Proclaimed Asshole:**  I can explain

 **Human Book:**  He felt like it

 **Fancy Girlfriend:**  okay, who is ‘human book’

 **Human Book:**  Belle

 **Human Book:**  Who are you?

 **Fancy Girlfriend:**  Adri Plumette, Lumière’s girlfriend

 **Fancy Dipshit:**  Bonjour?

 **Self-Proclaimed Asshole** **:** I decided to make a chat because I felt like it

 **Self-Proclaimed Asshole:**  There

 **Human Book:**  Self-Proclaimed Asshole is Adam by the way

 **Fancy Girlfriend** : oh believe me, we know

 **S** **omehow** **in College:**  Why is this my name?

 **Self-Proclaimed Asshole:**  Bcuz you’re always super mature

 **Self-Proclaimed Asshole:**  Like a 67 year old professor

 **Fancy Dipshit:**  BAH that’s hilarious

 **Somehow in College:**  How do I change it?

 **Fancy Dipshit:**  I’m not telling you ever Hank

 **Somehow in College:**  My name is Henry.

 **Piano Man:**  Maestro Ferdina is giving us instructions on how to tune a grand and my phone is buzzing to this shit?

 **Somehow in College:**  Believe me, Caddy, I’m not thrilled either.

 **Gaston’s Nice Friend:**  Thanks for the title but I’m not talking to Gaston anymore

 **Self-Proclaimed Asshole:**  Y’s that

**_Gaston’s Nice Friend_ ** **has changed their name to** **_The Tea, Sis_ ** **.**

**Somehow in College:**  How did you do that?

 **The Tea, Sis:**  Because somebody told me that he’s been saying really rude things about me and the other day he legitimately threatened me

 **Human Book:**  Oh, LeFou, that’s horrible!

 **Human Book:**  Adam beat him up a few months back

 **The Tea, Sis:**  That’s why he had a black eye?

 **Human Book:**  Correct

 **Human Book:**  He’s not a good person and I frankly don’t care what happens to him

 **The Tea, Sis:**  He told me it was from a fly ball at a baseball game

 **Self-Proclaimed Asshole:**  Clearly an idiotic lie

 **Fancy Dipshit:**  He was flicking matches at Laurens’ hair during a lecture once

 **Fancy Dipshit** **:** John’s boyfriend tried to punch him but he was far too skinny and weak

 **Human Book:** You mean Alexander Hamilton?

 **Fancy Dipshit:**  That’s the one

 **Fancy Dipshit:** The boy would have been merely a smear of red on the floor had John not stepped in

 **Human Book:**  I know Alex, we study literature in the library together sometimes

 **Human Book** **:** He’s...easily provoked

 **Fancy Girlfriend:**  once alex passed out during class

 **Fancy Girlfriend:**  he like, was legit sitting there, his eyes drooping and he just fell onto the desk and started snoring

 **Fancy Girlfriend:** prof. wash was freaking out

 **Singin Big:**  I remember that

 **Self-Proclaimed Asshole:**  Long story short, Gaston is horrible

 **The Tea, Sis:**  If I told you I was gay would you be surprised?

 **Self-Proclaimed Asshole:**  Not really

 **Human Book:**  aDAM

 **Self-Proclaimed Asshole:**  What he asked

 **Self-Proclaimed Asshole:** I’m being honest

 **Human Book:** We support you, LeFou

 **The Tea, Sis:**  I guess I just came out then

 **Self-Proclaimed Asshole:**  But seriously, LeFou, you’re cool and stuff and being gay isn’t a bad thing

 **Self-Proclaimed Asshole:**  You were one of my best mates in Primary school before Gaston showed up and you followed him like a puppy

 **Self-Proclaimed Asshole:** It was pretty funny before I saw how sad you were

 **Self-Proclaimed Asshole:**  Anyways, I’m glad you’re not talking to him anymore. He’s a dick

 **The Tea, Sis:**  He’s very manipulative

 **Self-Proclaimed Asshole:**  What do you do if your stove is on fire

 **Human Book:**  Jesus Christ I’M COMING see you guys later while I make sure this guy doesn’t burn his apartment down


	2. In Which Adam is a Meme God

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Adam likes eyeliner, fidget spinners, and hoverboards, all things that emit a reaction from the others. Also, Chip and Mrs. Potts make an appearance.

**Human Book:**  Anyone want to hear about Adam’s eyeliner thing

 **Self-Proclaimed Asshole** **:** STOOOOPPPPP

 **Human Book:**  -that makes him look incredibly hot and handsome

 **Self-Proclaimed Asshole:**  I-

 **Self-Proclaimed Asshole:** fine

 **Fancy Dipshit:**  Ah yes, fill us in

 **Human Book:** Now I feel like showing it to you so

**Human Book:** _emo_bb.jpg_

**Fancy Girlfriend:**  AWWWHHHHHH

 **Human Book:**  When he saw that “AWWWHHHHHH” he blushed and shoved his face into my shoulder

 **Fancy Girlfriend:**  AWWWWHHHHHH TO INFINITY

 **Human Book:**  We’re watching Law & Order: SVU right now and every time Ice-T comes on he shouts “MATE WHAT UP”

 **Human Book:**  I think that our neighbors hate us

 **Somehow in College:**  I have a friend who lives in your building and he just texted me that quote, “my roomates r fukin annoying as shit but so am I so whatevs”.

 **Human Book:**  Bah

 **Self-Proclaimed Asshole:**  Anybody want fidget spinners I’m selling em for 5 a pop

 **Piano Man:**  That’s a ridiculous price

 **Singin Big:**  He’s right. I wouldn’t pay that much for a fad that’s long gone

 **Self-Proclaimed Asshole:**  I PAYED LIKE EIGHT POUNDS FOR SOME OF THESE SO SHUT UP

 **Human Book:** He’s dumping a box on the coffee table

 **Human Book:**  GOOD LORD HE HAS AT LEAST 25

 **Piano Man:** Honestly, what a waste

 **Fancy Dipshit:**  Yoikes

 **Self-Proclaimed Asshole:**  fine

 **Self-Proclaimed Asshole:**  I tried to be nice by giving you guys first pick before I sell them for higher on eBay

 **Self-Proclaimed Asshole:**  You could’ve just told me no thank you

 **Somehow in College:**  I appreciate the offer, Adam, but I’m not in the market for toys at the moment.

 **Self-Proclaimed Asshole:**  THEY ARENT TOYS

 **Human Book:**  He’s stomping off. You guys figure out an apology of sorts while I try to fix this mess

 **Fancy Girlfriend:**  welp

 **Fancy Girlfriend:**  my james charles obsessed ass has one thing to say about this

 **Fancy Girlfriend:**  sister sad :’(

 **Singin Big:**  I-I'm sorry, Adam

 **Piano Man:**  Me too

 **Fancy Dipshit:**  Apologies

 **Self-Proclaimed Asshole:**  Thank you

 **Human Book:**  Chip came over a few minutes ago and now they’re playing with Adam’s humongous collection of LEGO sets

 **Human Book:**  Which means Mrs. Potts and I have time to silence and coffee

 **Fancy Girlfriend:**  sounds nice

 **Fancy Girlfriend:** i'm trying to watch twd but every time a good fight scene comes on my dipshit of a boyfriend interrupts with something along the lines of “look at this meme” or something like that

 **Self-Proclaimed Asshole:**  But are they crispy memes?

 **Fancy Girlfriend:**  what

 **Fancy Dipshit** **:** He asked if they were crispy, mon amour

 **Fancy Girlfriend:**  i know what he said i’m just wondering what he meant

 **Self-Proclaimed Asshole:**  Crispy memes are the best memes that give you that elegant taste of “ayyy lmao”

 **Fancy Girlfriend:**  belle, he all good?

 **Human Book:**  Don’t worry Plumette, this is a regular occurrence

 **Human Book:**  He’s a self proclaimed “Meme God”

 **Human Book:**  I didn’t ask for this in a romantic partner yet here we are

 **Self-Proclaimed Asshole:**  bELLE

 **Human Book:**  What do you want now

 **Self-Proclaimed Asshole:**  Chip wants to see my hoverboard and I can’t find it

 **Self-Proclaimed Asshole:**  Where did it go

 **Human Book:** Find it yourself

 **Human Book:**  I’m having coffee

 **Singin Big:**  Does he always act like, how you say, a baby?

 **Human Book:**  No, he’s actually pretty independent

 **Human Book:**  When he was a kid, he had servants who would wait on him

 **Human Book:** He likes to do things himself and he doesn’t think that anybody should have to be a servant

 **Somehow in College:** That’s admirable.

 **Human Book:**  oH MY GOD GUYS

 **Fancy Dipshit:**  What?

 **Human Book:** Adam and Chip are cowering over the computer and watching the Frozen ll trailer

 **The Tea, Sis:** What? I need to see this! My homeboy Josh Gad is in there

 **Fancy Dipshit:**  Yes, Belle, send us a picture

**Human Book:** _superfans.jpg_

**Fancy Girlfriend:**  AWWWWWHHHH

 **Human Book:** Adam and I have already seen it but Chip really wanted to see Kristoff

 **Singin Big:** Chip has an excellent sense of style

 **Singin Big:**  I really like his high tops

 **Singin Big:**  Excellent taste

 **The Tea, Sis:** I’m going to IKEA to get a new desk chair

 **The Tea, Sis:**  Who wants to come

 **Fancy Dipshit:**  I’ll go

 **Fancy Girlfriend:**  why not

 **Somehow in College:** I need a new mirror, so I’ll accompany.

 **The Tea, Sis:**  Let’s go

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apparently Disney characters swearing is my new thing. Who knew?  
> I got the idea about Adam wearing eyeliner from a fic called De Profundis by emjee (MerryHeart) . Thank you very much for giving me this wonderful idea!  
> Also, close to the end, when LeFou said "My homebody Josh Gad is in there" in regards to the Frozen ll trailer, (which is amazing btw) if you got the reference, I applaud you. If not, go and look up Josh Gad's filmography.  
> Have a nice day to all! Comments and kudos appreciated!


	3. In Which a Golf Club Gets McSwung

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A penis is spray painted on a classroom wall, we learn of Lumière's IKEA adventure, and Gaston fights with one of the gang. Also, Adam briefly talks of shotguns and foxhunting.

**Self-Proclaimed Asshole:**  I walked into class today 

 **Self-Proclaimed Asshole:**  Prof Wash opened the door 

 **Self-Proclaimed Asshole:**  And there was a big pENIS spray painted on the wall 

 **Somehow in College:**  And who committed this atrocity? Hm? 

 **Self-Proclaimed Asshole:**  Contrary to popular belief, it wasn’t me 

 **Self-Proclaimed Asshole:**  I’m not a pervert 

 **Self-Proclaimed Asshole:** Some dumbass signed ‘Lucky Number 12’ under it along with a messy drawing of Gaston’s American football jersey 

 **Self-Proclaimed Asshole:**  Interestingly, Gaston has the same number as Tom Brady, a cheater 

 **S** **elf-Proclaimed Asshole:**  But that’s off topic 

 **S** **elf** **-Proclaimed Asshole:** He’s rotting in detention rn 

 **Human Book:**  I hope he gets expelled 

 **Self-Proclaimed Asshole:** So do I, but since his dad is that rich military fucker he probably won’t 

 **Fancy Girlfriend:**  that sucks 

 **Human Book:**  It really does 

 **The Tea, Sis:** Well, we went to IKEA 

 **The Tea, Sis:**  And fancy pants got into a slight bit of trouble with the law 

 **Self-Proclaimed Asshole:**  Lumière

 **S** **elf** **-Proclaimed Asshole:** wHAT DID YOU DO?? 

 **Fancy Dipshit:**  Well 

 **Fancy Dipshit:**  I saw a giant ladybug in the children’s care center 

 **Fancy Dipshit:** And I really wanted to get a selfie on it 

 **Fancy Dipshit:**  So when the woman at the desk turned her back, I hopped the fence 

 **Human Book:**  oh my god 

 **Fancy Dipshit:** And clambered up onto the back of the beast 

 **Fancy Dipshit:** But before I could get my selfie a security guard found me and I was escorted out 

 **Fancy Girlfriend:**  they had a sick ass lamp that i wanted 

 **Fancy Girlfriend:** but we had to leave early 

 **Somehow in College:** I didn’t even get a chance to examine the mirrors! 

 **Self-Proclaimed Asshole:** That’s by far the stupidest thing he’s done 

 **Piano Man:**  Did he crush any children? 

 **Somehow in College:**  Thankfully, no. They escaped his tiny but powerful feet. 

 **Singin Big:**  If he’d crushed any kids, I’d have probably started laughing 

 **Self-Proclaimed Asshole:**  I have some leftover booze from my asshole dad’s place if anyone wants it. I won’t touch the shit 

 **Human Book:**  He wanted to borrow his friend’s shotgun and target shoot them but I said that you guys might want some 

 **Piano Man:**  I’ve got a recital I’m going to next week and me and my piano buddies always hang in the back of my van and sip afterwards 

 **Piano Man:**  So yeah, I’ll take it 

 **Singin Big:**  Adam + Shotgun = Bad 

 **Human Book:**  That’s true 

 **Self-Proclaimed Asshole:**  Surprisingly, I know how to handle a firearm 

 **Self-Proclaimed Asshole:**  My dick of a father always made me go on fox hunts with his rich friends 

 **Self-Proclaimed Asshole:**  I don’t even think those are legal anymore 

 **Self-Proclaimed Asshole:**  I was an excellent shot but I’d always miss on purpose 

 **Fancy Girlfriend:**  guys we have a problem 

 **Fancy Girlfriend:**  lefou just got into a fistfight with gaston 

 **Self-Proclaimed Asshole:**  THAT IDIOT 

 **Self-Proclaimed Asshole:** Be right there 

 **Human Book:**  I’m coming too 

 **Piano Man:**  I’ll block Chip’s eyes 

 

 **Self-Proclaimed Asshole** : sO basically what happened is Gaston was practically smashing LeFou’s face, I hit him in the back of the head with a golf club, he turned around and was about to yeet his fist between my eyes, and then I McSwung the golf club and knocked him out 

 **Singin Big:**  Wow 

 **Human Book:**  LeFou is in stable condition but he’s gonna need surgery so I set up a gofundme page and I’ll spread fliers with the link around campus 

 **Self-Proclaimed Asshole:**  Belle, honey, you’re a saint 

 **Human Book:** I’m just a regular old homo sapiens trying to help 

 **Somehow in College:** I’ve heard that Gaston’s getting suspended for the rest of the semester. 

 **Human Book:**  THEY DIDN’T KICK HIM OUT???? 

 **Fancy Girlfriend:**  his parents pay too much money. we all know theyre bribing the school a ton to keep him in 

 **Fancy Girlfriend:**  but anyways. who wants to go get some coffee and visit lefou 

 **Human Book:**  I want to 

 **Self-Proclaimed Asshole:** I know his favorite drink 

 **Singin Big:**  Me and Caddy’ll go 

 **Self-Proclaimed Asshole:**  well then let’s skrt skrt bitches 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm glad you haven't McFucking skrt skrted out on me yet  
> Comments and kudos are my fuel so yeet those down there. I'm also always looking for crispy memes so comment links to em  
> Thank you and good night!

**Author's Note:**

> I couldn't help with the references. Also sorry about my shitty humor. If you didn't see characters mentioned in the tags, don't worry, they'll all be included later.


End file.
